| Grief " The Grand Canyon was not punished by windstorms over hundreds of years. In fact, it was created by them. Your loss may feel like a punishment, but you are not the product of a God who punishes you with a loved one's death. You are a creation with the unbelievable power to weather life's toughest storms."-- Elizabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler in "On Grief And Grieving" Admittedly, I am not a mental health professional (like my Mom was) or grief counsellor, but being a witness to others who have lost loved ones and having recently lost my own beloved mother, I wanted to share a few things about this process called "grief", at least from my understanding. First, grieving is the most natural and normal response to any loss, so being human is to grieve at some point. I was quite shocked at the response of some of my friends and associates who immediately recommended that while watching Mom's physical deterioration, I get a prescription for anti-depressants to prepare myself for her death. Although I completely understand that this may be a comforting choice for many people, I could not imagine having my pain dulled. I felt I owed it to myself and to my Mom to experience the sadness that comes with such a loss, such a tragedy. To have lost the emotion would have been horrifying to me, more horrifying than actually experiencing sleepless nights, countless tears, and unending thoughts. Even months later, I have grief attacks and am comforted by the fact that I miss her so much, as odd as that may sound. Don't expect grief to be predictable. Don't think you'll react like the loving wife or son as illustrated in a movie. Your emotions may very likely catch you by surprise, ranging from anger (not just at losing a loved one, but at your loved one who has died, or at yourself or other family members for perceived wrongs), to confusion, to utter happiness drawn out by memories, to a numbness induced partly by exhaustion. Although you may read about the stages of grief, realize you may follow no schedule of emotional evolution. Honor this process, although there are many obstacles while mourning a loved one. Even those you are friends with or work with, who were so kind to send flowers or heartfelt cards and letters, may appear uncomfortable with your need to talk about your loved one who has died, and may not seem understanding if your grief lasts longer than a month or so. Our cultural "need" to move on with things or get on with living tends to stifle our very real need to be allowed our time to grieve. The truth is, if your need to grieve is stunted because of the requirement to go back to work or family dynamics that dictate an end to mourning sooner than you are ready, you will be surprised by the tendency of these un-dealt with emotions to disrupt other parts of your life, surfacing at unexpected times. There needs to be no timetable for your grief. It is a true blessing to simply allow the time you need to grieve the way you need to. If you have relationships in which you are comfortable to be yourself, use this opportunity to talk about your emotions, share the stories and memories that are surfacing, and allow yourself the emotional releases you so badly need. Ironically, even though you may receive minimal comfort from a few individuals you had previously felt close to, you may receive tremendous comfort, compassion, and just the right words from others you barely know. When I returned from my sabbatical, taken before and extending after Mom's death, I had several people that I had known for years barely address what had happened to me. Yet, I had multiple patients who not only verbally offered me condolences, but offered hugs, held my hand, sent me books and cards, all simply offering me their love and wishes that I take care of myself during my grief. Do not indulge in judging yourself and how you grieve or others and their capacity to understand. Your loss could be a parent, spouse or partner, child, beloved pet, cousin, high school friend, hiking partner, or anyone who simply was a vital part of your world and your heart. Ignore a tendency for our culture to put more weight or value on one form of relationship than another. Many people may not understand why you could grieve so much over the death of a dog or a 2nd cousin. If you feel anger at these people, that is natural... go ahead and be angry. But know that not everyone has the same life experience, leaving many folks truly unaware of how certain relationships may be. When prepared, you may choose to forgive those who were less than compassionate, freeing yourself of that burden as well. If you are unable to openly grieve in the presence of others, I would strongly recommend you join a grief group or begin counselling with a qualified professional that you feel a connection with. No matter how strong we imagine we are, the human animal exists best in a tribal/community setting. Communicating our pain is essential to our healing. If we do not release our pain, we will hold it and absorb it to the physical level. Below are some resources to look into for those of you who are experiencing loss: -Grief Healing * -Hospice * -Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & her book "On Grief and Grieving" * -Help-Guide Non-Profit Resource * -Caring Bridge- a site to update family members on the illness of a loved one Yes, it is very important that you continue to live and love. You dishonor no one by having a functional life. Know that there will come a time when the pain, although still present, becomes more bearable. And when the time comes, be a compassionate source for others who are experiencing such loss. And, always, know that you are loved. |
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross &
David Kessler in "On
Grief And Grieving"
****
The stages of loss-
denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and
acceptance- have been
widely used and misused.
Our society almost seems
to be involved in a "stamp
out depression" campaign.
Sometimes intervention
is vital, but most of the
time, we do not allow the
normal depression that
comes with grief to have
its place.
****
Acceptance is often
confused with the notion
of being all right or okay
with what has happened.
This is not the case.
Most people don't ever
feel okay or all right
about the loss of a loved
one. This stage is about
accepting the reality that
our loved one is physically
gone and recognizing that
this new reality is the
permanent reality. We will
never like this reality or
make it okay, but
eventually we accept it.
We learn to live with it. It
is the new norm with which
we must learn to live.
This is where our final
healing and adjustment can
take firm hold, despite the
fact that healing often
looks and feels like an
unattainable state.
****
Children's counselors
have insightful stories to
tell about their clients.
Emily's parents sat her
down to explain that
Grandpa would soon die.
The six-year-old had
many questions. "Can we
still visit him and make
popcorn?" "Will he spend
lots of time with other
dead people?" "How will
we know when he's dead
for sure?"
Her parents answered
every question with
patience and compassion-
until she asked, "When do
they chop off his head?"
The parents were taken
aback and said, "Honey,
no one chops off his
head. He just dies."
"So after he dies," she
said quite earnestly, "then
do they chop off his
head?"
Her stunned parents
answered abruptly,
"There is no chopping off
of heads!"
After the funeral, Emily
and her grandmother were
alone in the kitchen when
her grandmother asked,
"Emily, how are you
doing? Do you have any
questions about your
grandpa dying?"
Emily hesitated and then
she said, "Do you
promise not to get mad
like Mom and Dad did?"
Grandma nodded and
Emily asked her question
again. "When do they
chop off the head?"
"Where in the world did
you ever get such an
idea?" Grandma asked.
"Remember when we
visited your mom at the
cemetery," said Emily,
"and you showed me her
'head' stone. Isn't that
where they keep the
head- inside the stone?"
David Kessler in "On
Grief And Grieving"
****
The stages of loss-
denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and
acceptance- have been
widely used and misused.
Our society almost seems
to be involved in a "stamp
out depression" campaign.
Sometimes intervention
is vital, but most of the
time, we do not allow the
normal depression that
comes with grief to have
its place.
****
Acceptance is often
confused with the notion
of being all right or okay
with what has happened.
This is not the case.
Most people don't ever
feel okay or all right
about the loss of a loved
one. This stage is about
accepting the reality that
our loved one is physically
gone and recognizing that
this new reality is the
permanent reality. We will
never like this reality or
make it okay, but
eventually we accept it.
We learn to live with it. It
is the new norm with which
we must learn to live.
This is where our final
healing and adjustment can
take firm hold, despite the
fact that healing often
looks and feels like an
unattainable state.
****
Children's counselors
have insightful stories to
tell about their clients.
Emily's parents sat her
down to explain that
Grandpa would soon die.
The six-year-old had
many questions. "Can we
still visit him and make
popcorn?" "Will he spend
lots of time with other
dead people?" "How will
we know when he's dead
for sure?"
Her parents answered
every question with
patience and compassion-
until she asked, "When do
they chop off his head?"
The parents were taken
aback and said, "Honey,
no one chops off his
head. He just dies."
"So after he dies," she
said quite earnestly, "then
do they chop off his
head?"
Her stunned parents
answered abruptly,
"There is no chopping off
of heads!"
After the funeral, Emily
and her grandmother were
alone in the kitchen when
her grandmother asked,
"Emily, how are you
doing? Do you have any
questions about your
grandpa dying?"
Emily hesitated and then
she said, "Do you
promise not to get mad
like Mom and Dad did?"
Grandma nodded and
Emily asked her question
again. "When do they
chop off the head?"
"Where in the world did
you ever get such an
idea?" Grandma asked.
"Remember when we
visited your mom at the
cemetery," said Emily,
"and you showed me her
'head' stone. Isn't that
where they keep the
head- inside the stone?"
| Your turn... If you would like to share with others your own story of grieving, please contact me. When possible, I will post your story here to share with others. Go to Contact Me to send me your story. |
| This page, every page, is dedicated to the most beautiful woman I know- my Mom, Darlene. We will always miss you and appreciate you Mom. Thanks for teaching us how to love. I'm glad we said I love you so much! |
| Harley, official Reiki dog, seen here in meditation and at Ocean Beach (in photo below). She could quickly swing back and forth between meditative calm and awakened bliss. Bliss, especially if food or walking are involved. |
| Reiki dog, Petey, passed from this life into a being of true light and love in August of 2006. He was the gentlest of souls. Notice his perfect meditative state when he was still with us. |
| Harley loved meeting Reiki students, Reiki clients, and anyone with food when she was not at the beach in San Diego. |
| Our beloved Harley passed away, at the age of 15 on October 28, 2007. She will be greatly missed by clients, students, friends, family, and, of course, Eric and myself. We were blessed to have her in our lives so long. Please adopt homeless animals and support local animal shelters... Every year, 8 to 12 million dogs and cats are euthanized in shelters across America. That averages to 192,308 per week or 27,473 pets euthanized every day; or 1 pet every 4 seconds. |
| Lucky Dog Rescue- In Mesa and Prescott Valley, where we adopted Annabelle and Daisy, 2008 Arizona RESCUE- Where we adopted our Petey in 1999 Desert Hills Heelers K9 Rescue- AZ Rescue for Queensland Heelers, aka Australian Cattle Dogs Arizona Humane Society- With multiple locations and many, many animals Best Friends- An amazing animal sanctuary in Utah Home For Life- A unique animal sanctuary in Minnesota that helps animals that have little chance of successful adoption, giving them a home for life |
| In Memoriam |
| Our Petey was with us for over 7 years before he died. Before we adopted him, he had been found on the streets with a collar and tags. His previous family was contacted and never showed up to take him back home. How fortunate for us. |
| For my sister, father, and myself, life has been forever changed by the loss of my wonderful Mom. She passed away three months and one day after being diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer, yet she never hesitated to express her love in every way possible. She taught my sister and I how to love and accept others. She was the least judgmental person I have ever known. Thankfully, she saw the time given to her after her diagnosis as an opportunity to connect with family, spread her joy and compassion, and make sure nothing was left undone. That's so Mom of her. |
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Grieving